Stained
by PearlyJammer
Summary: Contemplations get you nowhere. Actions, however, do.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Outside  
  
Author: Autumn  
  
E-mail:eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com  
  
Category: Series, Drama/Angst/Romance  
  
Series: "Stained"   
  
Author's Notes: This mini series, is the result of a) my personal   
life going down the toilet, 2) listening to these two songs on repeat   
far too often. This is my first post since my hiatus, I hope it   
isn't completely terrible.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and the song belongs to   
Stained  
  
Thanks too: You, you and you.  
  
==================================================================  
  
And you, bring me too my knees  
Again all the times  
I had to beg you please -in vain  
All the time, that I felt insecure  
Was for you, and I leave  
My burdens at the door   
  
I hate my life. I know what you're thinking, overreacting,   
melodramatic teenager. Well, be that as it may, I truly hate my   
life. It wasn't all roses and perfume or anything even before I got   
my little gift. I grew up with an alcoholic father and an abusive   
mother. In fact, it was my mutation that stopped the daily beatings.   
I can't say it never proved itself useful.   
After David recovered, I came home and found a duffel bag   
packed for me. My mother handed me a wad of cash and told me to get   
the fuck off of her property. So I did, and my eight-month long bad   
streak ended in Laughlin City, Canada. That's where I met Logan, and   
my life had a bright spot for the longest time, or so I thought.   
  
I'm on the outside,   
I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
Cause inside you're ugly  
Ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you   
  
Logan was the first person I ever met that I connected with.   
It sounds lame to say we had this mega cosmic bond of some sort, but   
that's exactly what it is, or was. I know what he's thinking, true I   
have him in my head, but I knew what he was thinking even before he   
was in my head. He's like me, more so than he wants to think.   
The reason he left, coupled with the convenient excuse to go   
searching for his past is that he is terrified of me. I know why he   
says or behaves the way he does. I know he fantasizes about Jean,   
and I know he is in love with me. He'll never admit it too anyone,   
but that's just how it is.   
Logan left me because he can't deal with the fact that I know   
him better than anyone else on this planet. He's petrified at that   
thought, and so he ran. That's what he does when he gets scared, he   
runs. Judging from what I know of him, Logan's going to be running   
for a very long time. And I'm still here, all alone, just like   
always. Some things never change.  
  
  
All the times that I felt  
Like this won't end  
Was for you  
And I taste what I could never have  
It's from you  
All the times that I've tried  
My intentions full of pride  
But I waste more time than anyone  
  
I got a postcard from him a week ago. It said, "Hey kid,   
sorry to bail on you like that. I'll be back.-Logan" It wasn't so   
much the content, but the fact that he had written at all that made   
me absolutely ecstatic. Logan has an avoidant personality, and the   
gesture of sending anything to me meant a great deal.   
Jean, was pissed off by the fact Logan sent the card to me,   
and not her. I heard her whining about it to Scott. "It's terrible   
the way he plays with her emotions Scott. We both know, he felt far   
more for me than he did for her. He's such a jerk to be toying with a   
kid that way!"   
I really don't know why Scott puts up with her. He could   
have Ororo instead. She's a wonderful person, and the only one who   
seems to understand the connection between Logan and myself. She's a   
little wary of it, because Logan is so much older that me, but she at   
least accepts it for what it is, an unbreakable force. The only real   
stability I have in this world. I love Ororo, because she, unlike   
all the others here gets that, and she doesn't try and convince me   
that Logan's feelings are all in my head.   
  
I'm on the outside,   
I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
Cause inside you're ugly  
Ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you  
  
When Logan comes back, the first thing I'm going to have to   
do is have a nice long shat with him about his misconceptions. For   
the first time in his life, he's letting other people influence what   
he thinks and feels. Because of the Ice Bitch (a.k.a. Jean) Logan   
believes that his feelings towards me are sick and wrong. I know he   
feels dirty for having sex dreams about me. He of course, doesn't   
think I know what I do, but when he comes home he's in for a lot of   
surprises.  
  
  
  
All the times that  
I've cried, all this wasted  
It's all inside  
And I feel all this   
Pain stuffed it down  
Its back again and   
I lie, here in bed  
All alone, I can't mend  
-but I feel  
Tomorrow will be O.K.  
  
Back to this whole hating life thing. The only really good   
thing in my life is Logan. Sure Xavier's is nice and all, but they   
expect certain things from you. Things I don't want to give them,   
like joining the team. Though they haven't said it yet, I know that   
they expect me to join in their crusade. They feel that I `owe' it   
too them, at least that's how Jean sees it. She told me that "after   
everything they've done for me, I better start training harder and   
show some gratitude." She's such a cunt; I really don't know what   
Scott sees in her. Or Logan for that matter.  
When Logan gets back, it will only be for a little while.   
He'll get restless and want to leave, and he will. Only next time   
I'm going with him, and it will be forever. Maybe he doesn't realize   
what he feels yet, or see that its' right, but one day he will, and   
we can finally be free, to live, to laugh, and to love.  
  
  
I'm on the outside,   
I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
Cause inside you're ugly  
Ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you 


	2. It's Been Awhile

Title: It's Been Awhile  
  
Author: Autumn  
  
E-mail:eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com  
  
Category: Series, Drama/Angst/Romance  
  
Series: "Stained"  
  
Distribution: WRFA, XXFFC, Logan'sMarie, Mutual Admiration  
  
Rating: R for language  
  
It's been awhile, since I could hold my head high  
It's been awhile, since I first saw you and   
It's been awhile, since I could stand on my own two feet again  
But everything I can't remember, as fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered, I've stretched myself beyond my   
means  
  
Three months. Three fuckin' months, and I'm ready to throw   
in the proverbial towel, and face my future. I found my past, much   
as I'd like to forget it. I learned what I've always suspected. I   
was in the fucking army. My file read as follows:   
  
  
Province of Alberta. Canadian Army. Corporal J. Logan.   
Dishonorable discharge, May 1996. Reason: Insubordination.   
  
Province of Alberta, Canada: Missing Person: One J. Logan. Date of   
disappearance May 1996. Declared legally dead: May 2000.   
  
Fuckin' fantastic. I'm apparently dead. At least I know who   
I am, or was anyway. I'm assuming my discharge and sudden   
disappearance weren't coincidental. I don't believe in coincidence,   
things happen for a reason plain and simple.  
Armed with this new information, I'm supposed to head back to   
New York. I hate to admit it, but I'm scared shitless.  
  
  
  
  
It's been awhile, since I could say that I wasn't addicted  
It's been awhile, since I could say I love myself as well  
It's been awhile, since I've gone and fucked things up just like I   
always do  
It's been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with   
you  
But everything I can't remember as fucked up, as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered, I've gone and fucked things up   
again  
Why must I feel this way, just make this all go away  
Just one more peaceful day  
  
Marie. Just that name makes me part horny, and part   
nervous. Shut the fuck up, I'm entitled too that. Just cause I'm a   
badass don't mean I don't have feelings. I know she wants me, loves   
me even. I feel the same way and goddamnit she knows it. She always   
has. I'm so fuckin' wrapped around her cute, little gloved finger   
its just unfuckinbelievable. I want her, and she wants me. I am not   
good enough for her though, she deserves something better. In fact   
nobody's good enough for her. I will go back to Westchester to tell   
her that, and then I'll leave. Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish.   
She'll get it into her pretty little head that what I'm   
really trying to say is " Nobody here is going to fuckin' touch you,   
and I need you to come with me to travel the continent to make sure   
that doesn't happen." And who am I to disagree with that?  
Marie makes me feel good about myself. She is the only real   
person I've ever met, and the fact that she thinks there is something   
salvageable inside of me, makes me insanely happy. If someone like   
her can see good in a thing like me, then I can't be all bad right?   
The only question is what if she changes her mind some day? Then   
what?   
  
  
  
It's been awhile, since I could look at myself straight  
It's been awhile, since I said I'm sorry  
It's been awhile, since I've seen the way the candle lights your face  
But I can still remember, just the way you taste  
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it all may seem to be  
I know it's me, I cannot blame this on my father  
He did the best he could for me  
  
It's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high  
It's been awhile, since I said I'm sorry  
  
  
I know that I hurt her when I left. I hate it, but it   
happened. She knows I'm sorry about it. But I need to tell her   
myself. Shit like that means a lot too her you know? My past is,   
well it's dead and gone. Time to move on. I think, I know Marie is   
the person to help me move on. She won't care what I did in the   
past; she's cool like that. That's why I love her. That and the   
fact that she's this incredible, beautiful, adventurous, intelligent,   
and thousands of other adjectives person. And she picked me. Of all   
people.  
That is a fuckin' gift that I thank whoever's up there for.   
That is also the reason I'm headin' back to New York. To   
Westchester. To my future. Towards love. 


	3. Walking On Gelatin

Title: Walking on Gelatin  
  
Author: Autumn   
  
E-mail: eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com  
  
Ratting: R   
  
Disclaimer: I own not, therefore I'm poor. The song is "Insect Kin"   
by Bush. It's a strange piece, but I think it fits.  
  
Summary: The sequel to my "Stained" series.   
  
Author's Notes: One sentence is borrowed/stolen from a comment Karen   
made. Also, as I don't drink beer, I found that drinking three   
bottles of Canada Dry ginger ale channels the inner-Logan quite   
nicely!  
  
  
Iron lung I know you well  
I deal with you like a bad spell  
See the trail moon burns  
A red stripe and vicadin  
  
Logan's changed. A lot. In fact, I'm still sitting down in   
a chair trying to recover from the shock I received earlier-he's   
coming home. I knew he would eventually, but he's only been gone for   
three months. That's not what was shocking. Logan stopped   
drinking.   
Logan is, or was a man with many vices and his biggest one   
was drinking, okay it was sex, but drinking was a close second. For   
Logan to stop drinking for me is a tremendously touching thing.  
  
You were the only one  
You were the censor  
You didn't people me  
I'm not defenseless  
  
Marie told me about her mom. The bitch used to beat her when   
she was stone sober, and her father used to get on her case and   
attack her when he was drunk. That left me with one choice; to stop   
drinking, or cause Marie more pain. Obviously I picked the smart   
choice. So I'm heading back to Westchester, I haven't had sex since   
before Laughlin City, and I haven't had a drop of fuckin' whiskey   
since last week. And it's all for Marie. If that makes me a pansy,   
fuck off bub.  
I hope Marie never learns the full extent of her power over   
me. If she does, I don't even want to consider the consequences. So   
I'll just focus on my trip home.  
  
In the afternoon as the light dims  
Build a life out of all of this sentex  
You're the brightest one  
You were the censor  
The perfect opposite  
Of what you asked for  
  
  
Logan's past is miserable. His own government betrayed him!   
The stupid bastards make me want to dismember all of them slowly, and   
I'm a pacifist by nature. Though it did make me laugh when he told   
me that he was kicked out of the army for insubordination. How can   
Scott ever expect Logan to listen to him now?   
I'm constantly amazed by the effect Logan has on me. Before   
him, I was a silly little girl who dreamed of a suave, sophisticated,   
southern gentleman. Then somewhere between Canada and New York,   
things changed. Logan is the complete opposite of what I thought I   
wanted, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That'll be the first   
thing I say to him after he gets his ass back here.   
  
It's not just one way   
A negative factor  
With all of these wasps out  
I'd better take cover  
  
  
Jean told me Marie had a crush on me. She's pretty stupid   
for a telepath if she didn't realize the attraction wasn't one-way.   
But that's another story for a different day. The only reason I ever   
flirted with Jean was to piss Scotty-boy off. See; deep down I have   
respect for the guy, so of course I have to give him a hard time.   
After all someone has to keep the little shit in line.   
Anyway, Marie is the only person that knows I don't really   
hate Scooter. If she let it slip, ohhh the punishments I could come   
up with.... Damn, suddenly my jeans aren't as comfortable as they   
were just a few minutes ago. That woman drives me abso-fuckin-lutely   
crazy, and she doesn't have a clue. I guess I'll just have to inform   
her of that little detail.... FUCK! This fuckin' motorcycle seat is   
really disturbing certain parts, forget what I said earlier Scooter's   
a dumbass.  
  
  
Copper tongue beam me up  
Lonely without my impediments  
Start to save what we used to steal  
Walking on gelatin  
  
The fact that Logan and I WILL be together is disturbing to   
many people. Scott surprisingly is in favor. Hell, it'll keep   
Logan's attention focused on me and he won't have as much time to   
piss Scott off. Jean, well Jean's being a bitch about it. But then   
again, she's Jean so I don't really care what she says about   
anything. She actually took me aside and explained to me that I   
would get tired of playing second fiddle after awhile! Damn, she   
really is a stupid hoe. Jubes and Kitty don't really understand why   
I'm in love with Logan as opposed to Remey (ewww). They think I',   
just plain crazy. Bobby hates Logan, and is probably more upset than   
anyone else. The professor is reserving judgment and trusts me to   
live my own life. I love him, I really do.  
  
  
  
I never noticed you  
You were the brightest one  
You were wide of my just like the English sun  
You caught the light again  
In a perfect way  
The biggest threat of all is in the alleyway  
  
I'm only fifteen miles from Westchester. I have never been   
this nervous and excited in my remembered existence. I've never been   
in love before, but I know that I am. I only hope Marie feels the   
same way. When I called her, she seemed surprised, stunned even. I   
only hope she didn't sound like that because she already has a   
boyfriend and is only trying to avoid an awkward situation. Damn,   
then I'd have to watch her hang around with that jackass until she   
realized what a BOY she was dating when she needed a MAN.   
I'm approaching the gates, adrenaline and fear coursing   
through my system. I'm so close to Marie I can almost smell her; I'm   
finally home.  
  
  
You're the demon seed you're the factor  
Feel better with a little bit of plaster  
It's not just one way  
A negative factor  
With all of these wasps out  
Better take cover  
  
Good God, it's two in the morning, and I've been awake   
because I KNOW Logan is coming home, right now. He'll probably be   
here soon. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and thrilled and   
damn near giddy. I cannot wait to see him. I know how he feels   
about me, even if he thinks I don't. Poor guy, he didn't get a clear   
look into my head, but he can smell and sense my emotions so we are   
definitely even in my book.   
I can actually hear the motor of Scott's powerful bike coming   
up the road. My heart feels like it's going to burst from so much   
excitement. I have this strange feeling of peace, and I know that my   
other half has finally returned, for good. 


End file.
